Co-dependency Denial Patterns
What does it mean to be in denial?
Today we are examining the Denial Patterns. To know more about the other types of co-dependent patterns click here.
Michael had a big, big problem. He was overcome with love for someone that wasn’t available. He wouldn't accept that she was happily married. All the signs were there, she ate lunch often with her husband and they definitely looked happy. Michael wasn't in her department so he couldn't check out the truth but it didn't matter to him. He was convinced that she felt the same way. He could see them sitting in the rosy glow of the sunset on a beautiful beach forever in love.
This is a pattern for Michael and causes a load of heartache and rejection. He seems to bounce back each time though and I wonder often what is really going on for him. It is hard to tell because he genuinely does not know how he feels. Sometimes he is in love, usually with someone who does not love him back and this time she is the one. He seems to have only two expressions of emotion - anger and laughter.
Michael had a terrible upbringing with both parents as alcoholics and he and his three siblings had to fend for themselves. His eldest sister did a lot of the parenting and she did her best. Whenever we get close to talking about this he changes the subject and says it was no big deal.
Why would Michael seem so one dimensional? Remembering that the behaviour of a codependent in denial becomes distorted or exaggerated because of the crippling fear that drives it. The fear of feelings, the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of rejection.
Does Michael seem familiar to you? Maybe you don't fall in love with everyone you meet, but do you have trouble identifying your feelings? Is it easier not to feel? Or is isolation comfortable for you? Too comfortable?
What is the way to recover from the denial patterns of co-dependence? I'm not going to tell you to get out there and start acting out all the feels. To begin with, you may not even know what you should be feeling at any given time. Or even what your own favourite colour is.
Don’t forget that we have learned to squash ourselves because we have relied on the one who is dependent for so long that we have become part of them and lost ourselves. The trauma of living in a lie is so deeply rooted in our psyche, that it could take years to be comfortable recognising the truth.
What I am going to do though, is to show you a list of distorted behaviours that are common to those raised by addicts or alcoholics. This list has come from Co-dependents Anonymous who kindly gave me permission to use it. You may recognise yourself in the list. Remember that these behaviours are only a problem if they are your first instinct.
have difficulty identifying what you are feeling.
minimize, alter, or deny how you truly feel.
perceive yourself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
label others with their negative traits.
think you can take care of yourself without any help from others.
mask pain in various ways such as anger, humour, or isolation.
express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways
do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.
Ok, so you've identified that you could be co-dependent and using some of these denial behaviours to get through the day. We want to get from denial to fully being and seeing yourself and the world. Michael was attracted to the married woman that he couldn’t have a relationship with because it was safe and she wouldn’t ask anything of him.
What is the opposite of looking away from yourself?
Looking at yourself. Here’s one way of turning back around, mindful journaling. This involves setting aside 10-15 minutes daily to write freely about your feelings, experiences, and observations without judgment.
The key is to approach this practice with self-compassion and patience. Start by simply describing your day and any physical sensations you notice. Over time, you might begin to recognise patterns or emotional responses that weren't previously accessible.
This exercise works because it:
Creates a safe space for self-reflection
Bypasses immediate defences through the writing process
Builds awareness gradually without overwhelming your system
Establishes a consistent practice of turning toward rather than away from experiences
If this is too hard, you could try working with a trauma-informed therapist, practicing grounding techniques when feeling disconnected, and gradually building a support network of trusted individuals.
Remember that denial often serves as protection when emotions feel too overwhelming to process. Moving through it requires gentleness rather than force.
Does this resonate with you
There is much more information and exercises in the book. You can begin recovery and healing today.