Codependency Controlling Patterns
Can a controlling person change?
Today we are examining the Co-dependent Controlling Patterns. To know more about the other types of co-dependent patterns click here.
Ashley had her life sorted. She lived by lists and had a very strict code of ethics. She made sure everything that needed to be done, got done. In other words, it was her way or the highway.
She had no tolerance for those who could not do what she wanted when she wanted it.
Unfortunately for Ashley, her daughter was at the age where she was starting to have a mind of her own. All of a sudden she was ignoring all the advice and direction and help Ashley was giving her. Ashley was beside herself. Because her best-laid plans were going horribly wrong.
Remember what she said to me?
"She used to be such a good girl and now she's ruining her life! She won't even listen to me any more. Her grades have slipped, she's not interested in sport and now she's taken up with a loser that I despise. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything I can think of. Help me".
Ashley is learning the hard way that people do not often react well to being controlled. Eventually, they will 'rebel' or shut down.
Are you feeling uncomfortable right about now, reflecting on how much you control yourself and others?
It's important to realise that if things at home are or were out of control it's natural to try to counter that with keeping things in line.
Ashley's motives are pure, she wants her daughter to have a better life than she did with a Dad who gambled and often lost everything.
When we think of codependency, we often focus on excessive caretaking behaviors. However, there's another aspect that deserves gentle exploration: the tendency toward controlling behaviours that often develop as protective responses to past pain and trauma.
When Protection Becomes Control
At the heart of many controlling behaviors in codependency lies a wounded truth: these patterns typically emerge from experiences where trust was broken, where chaos reigned, or where we felt profoundly unsafe. When we've lived alongside dependency, addiction, or unpredictability, our nervous systems learn that control is not just helpful—it feels necessary for survival.
The belief that "others are incapable of taking care of themselves" isn't born from arrogance, but often from lived experience—perhaps watching loved ones make self-destructive choices or being forced to prematurely assume caretaking roles when we were still children ourselves.
Recognising Protective Patterns That No Longer Serve Us
With compassion for ourselves and our histories, we can begin to recognise these patterns:
The Protective Advisor
I find myself offering advice and direction without being asked
I try to convince others what to think, do, or feel
I feel hurt or anxious when others decline my help or reject my advice
These behaviors often stem from times when offering guidance was actually necessary—perhaps in a household where a parent was absent or impaired. The fear that underlies this pattern is real: "If I don't help guide them, something terrible might happen."
The Security-Seeking Provider
I give abundant gifts and favors to those I care about
I use affection or attention to maintain connection
I need to feel needed in my relationships
For many, these behaviors developed in environments where love felt conditional or where being useful was the only way to ensure connection. The giving comes from a genuine place, even if it's entwined with a need for security.
The Emotional Protector
I expect others to attend to my needs because I've attended to theirs
I present myself as especially caring or compassionate
I sometimes use emotional intensity to maintain connection
These patterns often emerge when we've learned that emotional expression is the only way to be seen or heard. Perhaps calm requests were ignored, but emotional escalation gained attention in your family of origin.
The Boundary Keeper
I find it difficult to compromise or negotiate
I might withdraw, take control, or become emotional to protect myself
I sometimes agree outwardly while maintaining inner resistance
I use the language of personal growth to establish boundaries
This pattern often develops when our boundaries were repeatedly violated. The rigidity serves as a protective wall around a self that's experienced intrusion or dismissal.
Understanding the Origins of Our Need for Control
These controlling behaviours make perfect sense when viewed through the lens of trauma and attachment. They were adaptive strategies in environments where:
Unpredictability was the norm. Living with addiction, mental illness, or volatility teaches us that hypervigilance and control are necessary for safety.
We were parentified at a young age. Taking on adult responsibilities prematurely can cement the belief that others can't function without our guidance.
Love was conditional or inconsistent. We learned that maintaining control was the only way to ensure connection and care.
Our needs were routinely overlooked. Leading to compensatory behaviours where we either demand attention or abandon our needs entirely.
The Path Toward Healing
Recovery from controlling patterns begins with deep self-compassion. These behaviors were once your best attempts to create safety in unsafe circumstances. They served a purpose. They helped you survive.
The journey forward involves:
Acknowledging your wounds with tenderness. The controlling behaviors are symptoms of deeper hurts that deserve care and attention.
Recognising when present triggers activate past trauma responses. That urgent need to take control often signals that you're responding to historical pain rather than current reality.
Building internal safety. As you develop a stronger sense of internal security, the need to control external circumstances naturally diminishes.
Practicing new patterns with patience. Healing isn't linear, and old patterns may resurface during stress. Meet these moments with understanding rather than judgment.
An Invitation to Gentle Transformation
If you've recognised yourself in these patterns, please know that you're not alone. Your controlling behaviours weren't character flaws—they were survival strategies born from real experiences that taught you that control equals safety.
My book offers a compassionate roadmap if you are ready to explore new ways of relating—both to yourself and others. It acknowledges the valid reasons these patterns developed while gently illuminating paths toward more fulfilling connections.
Within its pages, you'll discover:
How to identify your specific control patterns and their origins in your personal history
Trauma-informed approaches to managing the anxiety that emerges when releasing control
Ways to create internal safety that doesn't depend on controlling your environment
How to build relationships based on mutual trust rather than management
This journey isn't about becoming perfect—it's about becoming free. Free from the exhausting vigilance that controlling requires. Free to experience the gift of authentic connection that becomes possible when we no longer need to manage others to feel safe.
Your controlling patterns kept you safe when you needed protection. Honor them for serving their purpose, then allow yourself to explore whether different approaches might better serve your present life and relationships.
You can change
With compassion for your journey, I invite you to take a gentle step toward transformation. Your capacity for connection extends far beyond what your protective patterns have allowed you to experience.