Co-dependent Patterns of Low Self Worth

What are the co-dependent trauma signs of low self worth?

Today we are examining the Co-dependent Low Self Worth Patterns. To know more about the other types of co-dependent patterns click here.

Jessica had to look after her friend and put her first. Always. Even when it was inconvenient. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to look after your friends. It’s also good for your kids to see you looking after your friends, how else are they going to learn what a good friend is?

It only becomes a problem when the behaviour becomes distorted or exaggerated. Like when Jessica had to take her friend and her kids in. Again. Because she had left her husband. Again. It was late at night, they had obviously been fighting in front of the kids as they were all upset. Jessica even woke her own kids up to rearrange the beds so that her friend’s kids had somewhere to sleep.

There were no boundaries, Jessica would do anything for anyone, whenever they wanted her to. She was on all the committees, gave her kids whatever they wanted. As well as all of that, she spent a lot of time doing things for other people. Why would she do that?

The behaviour becomes distorted or exaggerated because of what drives it. What is driving Jessica? Her need to value her friend’s approval was stronger than her need to look after herself and her family. Behind this is Jessica’s fear of abandonment.

So, does this sound familiar to you? Maybe not the behaviour, you might think to yourself “Well I would never wake up my kids in the middle of the night and expect them to give up their beds to someone else!” But, is what drives Jessica the same as what drives you? The never-ending relentless need for approval and fear of being left?

The Low Self-esteem behaviours

There are lists of low self-esteem behaviours and so many blogs about it. It has become something of a catchphrase for anyone feeling a little bad about themselves. Now, I’m not going to diagnose you as having low-self esteem and say to you “do something about it!”

What I am going to do though, is to show you a list of distorted behaviours that are common to those raised by addicts or alcoholics. This list comes from Co-dependents Anonymous and they’ve kindly given me permission to use it. You may recognise yourself in the list. Remember that these behaviours are only a problem because of what drives them.

1. I have difficulty making decisions

2. I judge what I think, say or do harshly. It’s never good enough

3. I’m embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts

4. I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own

5. I do not perceive myself as loveable or a worthwhile person

6. I seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less-than

7. I have difficulty admitting a mistake

8. I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good

9. I am unable to identify or ask for what I need and want

10. I perceive myself as superior to others

11. I look to others to provide my sense of safety

12. I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects

13. I have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries

Do any of these ring true for you? If so, I have the antidote right here.

Building Self-Worth: The Power of an Accomplishment Journal

Have you ever noticed how we tend to remember our mistakes but forget our victories? This is especially true when we've grown up with a dependent parent, where those small daily challenges can quietly shape how we see ourselves. That's why I'm so excited to share a simple but powerful tool that's been a game-changer for many: the accomplishment journal.

What is an Accomplishment Journal?

An accomplishment journal is exactly what it sounds like - a dedicated space where you record your achievements each day, no matter how small they might seem. The key is consistency and honouring all your wins, not just the obvious ones.

How to Start Your Journal

1. Find a notebook that brings you joy or create a digital document - whatever feels most comfortable for you

2. Each evening, take 5-10 minutes to reflect on your day

3. Write down at least three things you accomplished

4. Date your entries so you can look back and see your progress

What Counts as an Accomplishment?

Everything! Seriously. When you've grown up with a dependent parent, you might have learned to minimise your achievements or dismiss them entirely. Let's change that narrative.

Some examples might include:

• Getting out of bed on a tough morning

• Preparing a healthy meal

• Setting a boundary in a conversation

• Completing a work task

• Reaching out to a friend

• Taking time for self-care

• Handling a difficult emotion in a healthy way

Why This Works

When we grow up in traumatic environments where our emotional needs might have taken a backseat to a parent's needs, we often develop a critical inner voice. Each entry in your accomplishment journal serves as evidence against that inner critic. Over time, you're literally building a case file of your capability, resilience, and worth.

Remember, healing from childhood experiences happens one small step at a time. Your accomplishment journal isn't just a record of what you've done - it's a gentle reminder of who you've always been: someone worthy, capable, and deserving of their own appreciation.

I'd love to hear how this practice works for you! Remember that consistency matters more than perfection. Even on the hardest days, there's always something to acknowledge yourself for.

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Remember, this does not replace working with a mental health practitioner.

Does this resonate with you?

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