Co-dependency Compliance Patterns
What are co-dependence patterns?
Today we are examining the Co-dependency Compliance Patterns. To know more about the other types of co-dependent patterns click here.
Sam was continually being passed over for promotions because she was too nice. Sam hated confrontation, would do anything to avoid making people unhappy with her. She would find herself agreeing with things she didn't really agree with to keep the peace. Her wife was pressuring her to do better at work. But she felt she wasn't strong enough to be a leader.
Being nice to people isn't a problem in itself. The real problem is what is driving the need to be nice all the time.
In Sam's case, it was the need to stay safe and not be rejected. By anyone.
What is driving your need to be nice and compliant all the time?
Is it safety? Or the need to be accepted by everyone?
Do any of these statements ring true for you? They have come from Codependents Anonymous who have kindly given me permission to use them.
I am extremely loyal and I stay in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Sam's problems came to a head when her wife pressured her to come and see me. Sam was only coming to keep the peace. She loved her wife and didn't want her to leave. Her last two relationships had ended with the other cheating on her. That was way too painful and Sam didn't want it to happen again.
I totally got where she was coming from. In fact, I know all about being compliant. I found myself one day with a group of women, verbally ripping another woman to shreds just to fit in. She didn't deserve that and I felt bad about it but I needed to fit in.
Superficial Relationships
The biggest problem with compliance is not only that people walk all over you because you won't say no.
It's not even that you say yes when you want to say no so don't honour or even know yourself.
Or that people get impatient with you because you dither around.
The biggest problem with compliance is that people can't trust you. Once they figure out that you don't say what you mean, they feel betrayed. They can't get close to you because you hide from them.
You are alone. Always. You hide even from yourself. Your relationships are superficial, with not much substance. Your relationship with yourself is even worse.
We can change that though.
We can use a visualisation exercise to show us how to support ourselves. We can make things real and concrete. Not just abstract ideas or feelings. Once we do that and realise we are not alone in this world we can have the courage to make decisions. If you want to do this, there is more in the book, just click the button below.
We can have the courage to say NO when we want to.
You can have the courage to put your own needs and interests first. Without feeling selfish and like a jerk.
You have rights, you are a person too.
Does this resonate with you?
Dive deeper into recovering from people pleasing in the book. Start your new life now.