Rules For a Family Traumatised by Dependency
What Are The Traumatised Family Rules?
Generally speaking, in any group, there are unspoken rules or norms. A new workplace, for example, is a minefield of unspoken rules. Social etiquette exists to ensure the smooth running of any group. It is human nature to reward certain behaviours that we call ‘politeness’ and ‘manners’. We like people who follow the rules, because it makes us feel safe. We need rules. Even in a family, there are rules. In a family with the trauma of dependency, however, the rules become less about life and more about survival.
The Three Rules That Keep The Family in Place
Rules ensure the smooth running of a family unit. You don’t have to think about them, they just happen. I’m sure you can come up with a few examples of your own in your family of origin and the family that you have created. While all families have rules that help maintain order and provide structure, in families with trauma caused by substance or process dependency, these rules transform into something different—they become survival mechanisms.
1. Don't Speak
The silence around what's happening becomes deafening. We don't speak about the parent who couldn't function, the basic needs that went unmet, or the embarrassment we felt at school.
The biggest silence often surrounds the dependency itself—the elephant in the room that everyone sees but no one acknowledges.
2. Don't Trust
While trust forms the foundation of society, in a home with the trauma of dependency, nothing is reliable. Promises are broken. Denial, lying, and secrets become the norm. Even our own feelings are discounted.
A child from a family affected by the trauma of dependency learns early that they can only count on themselves. The result? Intense, deep loneliness that permeates every aspect of being. Separation. A burden too heavy for a child—and too heavy for an adult.
My book explores how to rebuild trust after it's been broken in childhood.
3. Don't Feel
Children do whatever they can to bring stability and consistency into their lives. If this means shutting off feelings to get through the day, that's what they do.
It is normal to feel many feelings in the course of a day or even an hour! But the child of a home with dependency trauma learns to feel nothing at all.
I became really good at suppressing my emotions and ignoring everything I didn't want to see. Books became my friends. Words kept me safe.
As an adult, I started calling myself Cleopatra: Queen of Denial. The problem with suppressing feelings is that sooner or later they leak out. And you can't control the leakage.
Rewriting the rules
The trauma of dysfunction has made many of us unfeeling, untrusting, and silent. But you are not alone.
These rules are the unspoken system regulators. They are never said out loud, but the intention is there. To live by these rules becomes a way of life. The system must carry on. It must support the dependent one in their dependency. Or everything will fall apart.
I'm not against rules—we need them to keep society going. Otherwise, there would be chaos. But I am against these three deadly rules: don't speak, don't feel, and don't trust.
I'm learning to break them one day at a time. You can too—just reading this blog is a great first step.
Knowing, then doing with support—that's the key. We can cast a new healing mantra of feeling, trusting, and speaking. My book provides the roadmap for this journey of healing.
Let me know in the comments which rule you want to break first.
Check out my other blog post
Family Roles to understand the complete picture of family dysfunction.
