Recovering Your Voice After Growing Up in a Family with Trauma
Recovery means reclaiming every aspect of your life that the trauma of growing up with a parent dependent on substances or processes took from you, including your voice. In families affected by this trauma, the powerful rule of "don't speak" maintains the status quo and follows you into adulthood.
The "Don't Speak" Rule
In families with the trauma of dependence, children learn not to:
Talk about family problems
Speak about themselves
Ask for help or express needs
Reveal family secrets to outsiders
As the author shares from personal experience: "Once, we were all in the kitchen around dinnertime when my mum burst into the room. She was drunk... I didn't know what was going on because we didn't talk about it, to each other or anyone else."
How These Rules Develop
Young children naturally assume they cause everything around them (what Piaget called "preoperational thinking"). Without the ability to discuss family problems, children create their own explanations: "If I am good, Mum won't be angry with me and drink."
These twisted explanations solidify into rigid rules that shape our thinking well into adulthood.
The Impact of Silence: 6 Key Effects
1. Squashed Curiosity
Children are afraid to ask questions develop diminished curiosity
Affects learning ability and engagement with the world
Stress hormones (cortisol) further impact brain development
2. Burden of Heavy Secrets
Children carry secrets too heavy for them—parental dysfunction, neglect, violence
Creates chronic stress affecting physical and mental health
Different family roles manifest stress in different ways (Heroes, Mascots, etc.)
3. Blocked Intimacy
Difficulty talking about yourself without feeling you're imposing
Discomfort with others who freely share about themselves
Inability to connect authentically with others
4. Living with Confusion
Nodding and smiling without asking for clarification
Fear of looking "dumb" by admitting you don't understand
Life becomes confusing when you can't ask questions
5. Inability to Ask for Needs
Soldiering on hoping someone notices what you need
Organizing life to avoid asking for help
Feeling guilty when needs or wants arise
6. Vulnerability to Exploitation
Difficulty setting boundaries
Feeling obligated to comply with others' requests
Feeling "mean" when saying no
Using Your Voice
Start asking questions about the world around you
Practice telling others about your life - it gets easier with time
Ask for clarification when you don't understand something
Practice asking for one small thing you need each day
Learn to say no when appropriate
Create new rules by identifying and replacing unhelpful family rules
Recovery begins when you break the silence and reclaim your right to speak.
Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional psychological advice.
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